So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
