I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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