I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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