I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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