saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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