the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
