I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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