why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
