Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
the day after is always just damage control
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Randomize
