Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
