You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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