I haven't been this sober since birth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
