Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
