cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
