Need sex. Gaining weight.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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