Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
