You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
