There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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