you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
