He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
