and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
