I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
