I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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