Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
