Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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