When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you inspire me to be a worse person
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
