you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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