She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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