if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
