Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
