I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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