I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
