remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
