you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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