To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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