I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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