there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
