hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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