You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He passed out mid-signature
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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