i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
