my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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