Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize
