How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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