i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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