If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
