Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
