Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
