Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
