Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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