i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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