I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
