I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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