So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
